Thursday, September 18, 2008

There you are God....

The following is something I wrote a few years back. However, I just recently read it at a party honoring my Aunt's 50th birthday. I wanted to publish it because I believe it is a beautiful reminder of the ways God reveals himself to us that we don't alway recognize...

My Aunt just gave me her new Life Application NIV Study Bible. She keeps it in her office upstairs in her magnificent home. It is her aid as she writes her books and prepares for teaching. On the lower right hand corner is her name: Kathleen Troccoli. I thought it was so special because she usually goes by Kathy, Kathy Troccoli. No one knows her as Kathleen except close family like my sister and I. Yet she writes the name of her youth on her precious Word of God. The name she was born with, the one God gave her.
To me my Aunt is a living legacy. She is my greatest role model and I am her biggest fan. We aren’t best friends, but she gets me and most of all she loves me. Recklessly and lavishly…a lot like the Lord. My Aunt has been the most influential person in my existence. She understands my ache for heaven because she shares it. She understands my need for fire, color and passion because she cannot live without it. She is strong and soft and incredibly accomplished, yet humbled everyday. Always acknowledging of the Lord with a reverent heart, yet so intimate with Him. She is incredibly spiritual, yet so real. She has 100% of my respect and all of my attention. Thinking about her makes me cry. I am so lucky.
I was in her office, always looking through her books, wondering what she is reading now. I came across some Bibles. I am a preacher (trying to be), so I own several of my own. But the idea struck me: how absolutely delightful for my soul if I could own one of hers. My Aunt will often give me jewelry, clothes, shoes, anything that she might not want, whether she has worn it or not. Sometimes if I really love something that she has, even if she loves it herself, no matter how much it costs, she doesn’t hesitate to offer it to me. Having those things that once belonged to her, as silly as it might seem, makes me closer to her, more apart of her, her life and her legacy.
My Aunt had gone to bed, but I knew she wasn’t sleeping. I scurried down the stairs from her office to her bedroom and crept in. She looked up as I entered. She was in bed with her apple reading away at her latest manuscript.
“Hey Aunt Kathleen, you can say no if you want to, but I was in your office and I was looking at your books because, you know, I’m always interested to see what you are reading,” I muttered nervously, “and I saw several Bibles and I was wondering if maybe there was one that you don’t use so much that maybe I could have?” I paused. “It’s not like I don’t own Bibles of my own, I just want one of yours.”

“You know I get so many Bibles from different publishers” she chuckled. “Which one do you want honey? I just bought a new one. It has my name on it.”

“No Aunt Kathleen, you don’t have to give me your new one with your name on it. Just any Bible that you own is fine. I just want it because it will have belonged to you.” Deep down inside, I wanted the one with her name on it. The thought of having it was inspiring to me. The Bible of my biggest mentor. To behold her name on it, a life transformed encompassing everything I hope to be. The gloriousness of God in a woman, in a life. I would be reminded of it every time I looked at it. She asked me to run up and get the Bible. I brought down a few I saw. She grabbed the one that said Kathleen Troccoli, the one I had wanted, the new one. In her nightstand she had the exact same one that someone had given her, only it did not have her name on it. She said if I wanted, she would emboss my name on it. I said it didn’t matter which one she gave me even though I knew exactly the one that I wanted.

“You pick Ri. Which one would you rather have?” she asked lovingly.

“The one with your name on it Aunt Kathleen, I rather have the one with your name on it” I gently answered.

Without any hesitation at all, she handed it to me. I took hold of it. I felt like Timothy taking Paul’s copy of the scriptures. It meant the world to me.

I love how she loves me. She isn’t afraid to risk with me. She isn’t frivolous or frugal when it comes to investing into my life and soul. I know she will always be there for me. And even though she might not always have the answers for me, she confidently points me in the direction of the One who does.

I often wonder if my feet are big enough to follow in her footsteps, upon the trail she has blazed. I know it has hurt her at times, walking through such a fire, but oh to behold the refinement. It is everything I didn’t know existed yet I see it in another human being so close to me.

One of my biggest aches in my Christianity is not being able to behold God as flesh and blood. Oh the pain of not having Him physically in my arms is almost too much to bear. I often cry at the thought of missing Him so gravely. Oh the joy I will experience when I can see His face that first time!

“God! I love You so much! I am crazy about You! The pain! It hurts! Please God! Let me hold You! I just want to see You!” I cry and get mad and sad, my spirit quiets, and I sob. How could He make Himself so wonderful and woo me and make me love Him so much and then I can’t even hold Him tight?

But it is times like this when I say, “Oh God forgive me. I do behold You. I do see You. I can hold You and hug You and kiss You. Here You are Lord: in the eyes of my Aunt, in the embrace of her arms, in the extravagance of her love…ah…there you are God.”

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

your feet are bigger than you think....